Purposeless

Inspiration is a funny thing. And tricky one. Sometimes words are just flowing and there are times that you can’t get even few in the line. Always thought that inspiration has something to do with feelings. You feel something, therefore you have something to write. Not the case. These feelings are bound to be concealed and their only purpose is to make me stronger (more cynical?). I have million of words, but it seems that global crisis has done something to my words too. They are in inflation mode and losing their price at an alarming rate. Maybe I should preserve them for the better times.

People say that timing is everything. Words, words, words. Our pathetic tries to make things look better than they actually are. Our attempts to make a cliché out of everything. Words that are not used to express feelings, but rather to conceal them.

I really feel guilty for not writing much lately. Maybe it’s just my love to whine, but it seems that I can’t catch a break lately. I know pretty well that it’s selfish not to write about what is going in Azerbaijan, but I really can’t think about politics, economy or anything close to that right now. I know that I should focus everything on Adnan and Emin, but focus decided to take a long trip along my inspiration. And they are not coming back anytime soon. Well, feeling guilty and sorry for myself wouldn’t do any good and surely won’t change anything, so I guess I just should torture myself to focus and start writing once again. Which I will do starting tomorrow.

Beginning

I was processing verdict that was given to Adnan and Emin case for 2 days now. I don’t think that 2 days are enough, maybe lifetime is not, but now I’m at least ready to write down my feelings.

Once again Azerbaijani court made a decision based not on laws or evidence or something remotely close to actual jurisprudence. Verdict of the court was totally political. This verdict is a result of an order from executive branch of the government. They say that we should “respect decision of the court”. To hell with that. I will start respecting court decisions in Azerbaijan, when I see that decision are made by court and not by anyone else.

As usual there are 2 questions. Who is guilty and what to do next.

Who is guilty? Of course, everyone is guilty to some extent. Citizens that are still remaining silent, opposition that can’t shake the blows it took, international organizations and Western governments that are not ready to change things around. But who is guilty most? After Elmar Huseynov was brutally murdered in 2005, it’s more than clear that no one is safe in this country. Some journalists are not denying that they started to censor their own articles after that. Maybe I’m a bit inexperienced and new to this entire blogging thing. But I know that half-truth is as bad as a lie. Especially in states like Azerbaijan. And truth is that court, prosecutor, Vusal and Babek, bribed/scared to death witnesses are all guilty. But ultimate culprit is one man- Ilham Aliyev. It’s time to call things by their names. He is responsible for everything in this country. And, help us God, he will be held accountable for everything sooner or later. Karma is a bitch.

What to do next? First of all we should not stop. We should continue working towards liberty of our friends and towards freedom of all Azerbaijan. I know that what happened stunned some of us. But we have no time to be weak; we have no time to wait for better situation. This is our reality. And not fighting to change this reality, will result in just one thing- reality will stay the same. They are trying to scare us. I don’t think they will be able to do that. From day one we knew that this fight is not about heroic poems and cheering crowds, we knew that repressions and arrests are most probable outcome to our fight. But, this is our fight. We should inspire people around us. We should instill courage in the hearts of those who are ready to fight. We should lead them. And we will do that. Adnan and Emin showed no fear and we should not be anything less than courageous and inspiring.

As we were expecting U.S. State Department made a statement on court Verdict http://www.state.gov/r/pa/prs/ps/2009/nov/131798.htm. And our officials reacted swiftly and oh-so idiotically. Deputy chairman of ruling YAP(New Azerbaijan Party) Mubariz Qurbanli answered: “Americans are protesting our court decision? We are protesting bombing of Afghanistan!” And, I’m not making this up. I can only wish to have such fantasy.

But, “Can you be more idiotic than me?” is the new name of this game, so trend continued today. Minister of Youth and Sport Azad Rahimov decided that he can do better than Mr. Qurbanli: “Court decisions should not be discussed. Statement made by State Department? They are trying to bring down Azerbaijan!” No, Mr. Rahimov, they are not trying to do that. You and your colleagues are more than qualified to do that and you are actually succeeding. True, during last 4 months (16 years?) you gave U.S.A. and other big players many reasons to bring down your government. Go on with your idiotic statements and you will make their mind. And I will make sure to translate them.

This is hardly end. It all begins now.

L4L

P.S. To all my friends: Let’s be strong and believe.

Verdict

I can’t believe this Gomorra is still standing after what happened. I don’t want to believe that those who are guilty for what happened are still breathing, are living their lives like nothing happened. I won’t believe that it will stay that way.

We are missing courage. Courage that Adnan and Emin showed today, despite everything. They were convicted, but still stood proud. Government is digging hole for itself. At this point, there is no turning back. What happened won’t be forgotten.

We should work. Together, better. We should become more professional, we should gain more influence. They are in power, they have armies of goons, and they have billions. But they will lose.

Amnesia.

Constant moral dilemmas and choices are the factors that gave humanity chance to be what it is now. I am no different. Constant search for what is right or wrong. Attempts to understand reality and people around me. Being just a drop in an ocean of history and trying to make difference. to make CHANGE happen, to leave my mark. Days when hope turns me in resilient fighter, days when i’m frustrated because CHANGE seems distant and so difficult to achieve, days when i lost my faith due to all that surrounds me. I don’t believe in destiny, I believe into ones ability to make life different, better or worse. But, sometimes i can’t stop questioning myself “God, why you sent me to the land you long forsake? Are you even there? Is it destiny? Is it your twisted joke or some kind of perverted experiment? How come you all-knowing and almighty sent me here? What I did to deserve this? Do I have the power to change or should i suffer through all this?” Naturally, no one answers me.

Intelligence is a blessing. But its curse too. Thought  should help  in achieving CHANGE. But right now it only helps to measure wild and gargantuan strength of tide that I”m going against. Questions. Millions of them. I know that i’m nobody to judge. But who can judge if not me? Those who are just too afraid to know? Those who are frightened not only to do something, but even to think? Those bastards who drink blood of those afraid? Ain’t those who are fighting against obscurantism only once with moral right to judge?

I’m far from ideal. I’m not knight in the shining armor, despite all eagerness to be one. But I see myself fit to judge. They say that “don’t judge, lest  you be judged”. I don’t agree with that Christian postulate. I’m judging and I’m ready to be judged. Truth is not in the silence of no-judgment, but somewhere in heated discussion, in just fight, in quest for ideals. No action can’t bring truth. I won’t be silent. It doesn’t imply that my words will bring absolute truth, but may be discussion that they will provoke?

Life situations that i faced recently gave me cold shower and I won’t pretend that I know human soul and psychology well.

During today’s hearing of “Wild-beating-taekwando-champions-bloggers-Adnan-and-Emin” case I was able to enter courtroom for the first time. Mixed feelings of what was happening. I saw Emin and Adnan, saw how strong they are. And this made me happy and proud. I had dozen or so rounds of laugh in the expense of “victims” Vusal and Babek. I was annoyed as hell.

Azercell answered to enquiry of the court and gave reports on calls made on July 8 by “victims” and Adnan. Strangely there was no report of Emin’s calls. But, anyway, reports of Adnan’s calls shows that he was in the 39th police station. This little fact demolishes the case of the prosecutor. This shows that Adnan and Emin weren’t brought to police station handcuffed. They came there right after the incident to file a report on Vusal and Babek. Of course this report is MIA.  Pictures from medical expertise prove that Adnan and Emin actually were in 39th police station.  So, prosecutor and his owners should try their best to find some shame in their hearts, go somewhere far, far away and bury themselves along with their case/cheap soap opera scenario.

What annoyed me most was that “victims” (deliberately) tried their best whispers while they were questioned. Emin asked them to speak loudly 2 times. On the third time he said: “Vusal, please speak louder, you are the hero of this system, find some courage to speak louder.  Don’t be afraid”. Man, that line should have been used in Iliad or some other heroic epos. Pure gold. Few minutes later Emin played little game with Vusal. He twisted and played and then asked: “Vusal, can i beat you?” Vusal answered: “No, only in science fiction”. HOLY TRUTH! What happens in Azerbaijan is so surreal and absurd it can’t be called anything but science fiction.

Vusal and Babek were under heavy artillery of questions by skilled advocates Isakhan Ashurov and Elton Guliyev. But, they were prepared “better” by their creators this time. They answered “I don’t remember” on so many questions, that i actually lost my count on 20 or so. I will give you few examples, but promise me you won’t laugh too hard and die or sink into darkest depression ever and kill your lovely selves. I still need my readers. Question: “Have you filed a report?” Answer: “I don’t remember.” Question: “Were you questioned by inspector?” Answer: “I don’t remember.” Question: “How many times were you examined by doctor?” Answer: “I don’t remember.”… And icing on the cake: “Can you tell if your doctor was male or female?” Answer: “I DON’T REMEMBER!” (Please, no “transsexual jokes” on my blog, thanks).

Then Vusal showed that he is “real Caucasian man” with valor and strong feeling of “qeyret”. He asked judge not to give Azercell’s report on his calls to defense. “I don’t want them to disturb my relatives and those close to me”.  Advocates, after few chuckles, told him that they are sorry, but they don’t think that they and Vusal’s relatives are in the same social circles. But, naturally, judge is “real Caucasian man” too, so he understood Vusal’s tender feelings and was with him on that.

Anyways. Amnesia. Adnan and Emin answered few questions after Vusal and Babek and they were so clear and accurate, contrast was almost scary. Moral choices are those that stay with you forever. While immoral choices are those one tries to forget. Moral choices create responsibility to go with them, while immoral choices are accompanied by amnesia and sudden loss of memory. You can’t make immoral choice and then live with it easily. Conscious sooner or later will catch you and it will show you no love.

It’s not only about Vusal and Babek. Our nation made countless immoral choices in last 20 years. And all this made our nation went into amnesia. It’s natural reaction to immoral choices. But there are people who are Conscious of the nation due to their moral choices and eternal love to this nation that hardly deserves this love. People like Emin and Adnan who made their choice and are proudly standing by it. Who will not back off.  We should help their case. Only this way this nation will shake its AMNESIA.

L4L

P.S. I was writing this post listening to my favorite Azerbaijani rock band “OZAN” playing live at Crossroads pub in Baku. Great inspiration and even greater anti-depressant after the court hearing.

Electoral naivety

Maybe I’m just too negative. Maybe I’m just too jealous of people that can be optimistic. Maybe I’m just smarter. Maybe, I should stop starting sentences with “maybe”.

Recently I discovered that I’m taking idiocy and absurdity of unintelligent easier than naivety of intelligent.

Are you, people, not tired of this “young and talented” routine? It all goes like “Ilham Aliyev is young and perspective. He speaks languages. He is from intelligent family (yeah, right). He will start reforms. He will change all ministers. Azerbaijan will prosper under his rule. No, there won’t be any corruption. We will get Karabakh in no time.” What hurts me is that some people actually believed these entire BS. People intelligent and politically aware. I really hoped that this cold shower was helpful.

But, wait, no. Same happened during 2005 Parliamentary elections. Government threw bunch of “young and talented” your way and you were having your orgasms, dreaming that this is the change that Ilham Aliyev promised, that all these “young and perspective” will be elected. Care to re-check what happened? Almost 70 per cents of Meclismen of 2000-2005 period continued “serving the people” for next term too. So much for a change and reforms.

Please, try to understand this little axiom: All elections since 1993 were falsified. And all elections will be falsified during rule of this family. It’s truth.

Now, I am starting to see hopeful and optimistic faces for municipal elections. They say: Let’s help “young and talented” get elected. Can’t you, people, get it? Only those will get into offices who government will see fit. End of story.

Those who abandoned and even went against Adnan and Emin do not deserve our help and support. They can know million languages and study abroad. They can talk about Change all day long. But their actions tell it all.

No need to think after reading this post. Be naïve. But you will face same consequences you faced with Ilham Aliyev. Bitter disappointment.

Anyways, good luck wasting your time.

P.S. Only true “young and talented” people in this country are those who are currently behind the bars and people who try their best to get them out. You can like it or not like it. Not like I care.

random thoughts.

They always say that poker is a game of life, game where you should not play your cards and play your opponent, game which can only be won by those strong of spirit. They say that to win in poker, you should be ready to die.

I do consider myself good poker player. I am good with numbers; I can read people around me, I am master of stone cold bluffs and crazy calls, I have almost perfect poker face, I can bet my entire bankroll on one hand without a blink, I am gracious in victory and most importantly in defeat. Most important- I’m always confident, I’m not afraid, I’m focused.

But what happens when the chips are gone and the play table is whole universe? What happens when there are no opponents left? I become clumsy, my poker face fades away, I can’t read people, while I’m easily readable and I lose my confidence and focus.

Yes, in life there is only one opponent- one’s self. Poker is easy. You play for chips, for money, for fame, for recognition, for passion. It’s game. And life is not a game. Or maybe I can’t play it as a game and that’s why defeats in life are so common. I just can’t play when hearts and feelings are at stake. This is me. No intention to change. It’s better to lose than to become someone else.

Still, I love life. It is unjust, but who said it should be just? It hurts, but that’s the only way. I love life with all flaws of it. With all stupidity, absurdity, nonsense going all. This is, maybe, masochistic love, because, I don’t think that I will be loved back by life. But it’s LOVE.

F-word.

There is this little state somewhere between Caucasus Mountains and Caspian Sea. Land where everyone starts and finishes his sentences with “Allah”, but land which God forsaken long time ago due to all godlessness that is going on. Land with complicated past and ambiguous future. Dystrophic land, where virtues like courage, truthiness and moral integrity are considered unneeded and even dangerous. Land, where “Fight for justice” is considered F-word.

We are getting “Why do you need this fight? Why are you fighting? Go and make a living/career/family/whatever” probably every day. At first this tirade was insulting. But years later, I guess, we all became immune to that. But when you are getting this from the close friend who was with you in this fight for years, you really start thinking “why do I need this fight?”

I’m not confused; I’m just trying to get motives straight. One thing is for sure, I’m not fighting for this land, as I consider such fight useless. Do I fight for this people? Not really, because in fact I can’t relate with them in any possible way. We are just different. Different in the way we think, in the way we do things, in the way we want things. Fight makes our differences even more drastic. As this people think that “why do I need this fight? I would better try to make my life better” I can’t accept them in any way. I can’t accept people who see all injustice that is going on and decide to stay silent and even applause it. Do I fight for them? No, I’m not that altruistic, only those who are ready to fight deserve to be fought for.

My fight is totally egoistic. No, I’m not fighting to satisfy my conscience (at least, I hope so). I’m not fighting for power or money or popularity, because I’m as far from these concepts as one can be. I fight because I won’t stand injustice, because it kills me to see millions tortured and made live in poverty by bunch of medieval goons. Because, I don’t want my children to live in such way and leaving this land is not an option. It insults my intelligence to know that such injustice can even happen. It’s my moral responsibility to continue fighting.

So I will fight on. As good as I can. I don’t see clear way of Change. I don’t see how we can win. But I don’t care. I don’t see myself not fighting. It will kill me.

I am not blaming anyone for not fighting, I’m not blaming anyone for ceasing the fight and I’m not blaming anyone for not being here to fight. It’s very complicated world, situations, background and such can change everything in the matter of the minutes.

I forgive all those who have no intention to fight.

I still love all those who left us.

I feel help and support from those who can’t fight with us at the moment.

L4L

Unbelievable quotes. S01E01

Sometimes it’s very hard to go by what people say. Surely, i can try my best being tolerant. But why should i do it if i can have few laughs here and there? So, I will post quotes from debates, arguments and chats that i was in.

Few days ago I was having long and useless debate with member of Ireli on Facebook. Surely, his best argument was that i’m father of my son and that it makes me think as i’m thinking and support ideas my father stands for. All attempts to show logically that son and father are actually two different persons was to no avail. As it was already irritating I said “good day, sir, i don’t think we should continue this conversation.”

Answer to that was..hm… it was incredible He said(quoting): “cunki demeye sozun yoxdur sizin danismaqdan basqa hec neye gucunuz catmir” (translation: “because you have nothing to say all you people can do is talk”) Now… There is a prize to anyone who can explain me logic of this sentence. How all “we” can do is talking and i have nothing to say?

Oh… Patience, Allah. I don’t ask for anything else. Some patience, please.

Those amoral Westerners, those pure Azeris…

Morality is a pretty wide concept and people generally don’t look same way at it. There are/were certain attempts to create universal morality rules through religion, philosophy, literature and art, through laws and mass-media. But these attempts actually made things even more complicated. So, in fact there are as many morality concepts as there are people in the world.

Certainly it makes life interesting and colorful, but at the same time creates problem. As I love wasting my time debating on such issues, I took part in one yesterday on FB. Once more, for the hundredth time it was worrying. Common Azerbaijani still thinks that Westerners are immoral, while his nation is pure and clean as a just-born baby.

My only compasses here are my view on morality and my principles. You can ask around Baku what they do think about Europeans/Americans. I bet that most of the times you will hear something like: “onlarin qeyreti yoxdur” (“they don’t have “qeyret””. “Qeyret” is pretty much untranslatable word that is a strange and disturbing mix of traditional views, taboos of common Azerbaijani.) You will surely get insulted by that and upon asking justified “WHY?” you will receive long and even more disturbing answer. Most probably you will get digest on homosexuality, narcotics, dysfunctional families, Swedish family, divorces, prostitution and so on. Scary, but most of Azerbaijanis see only this side of European life. And some people really make serious effort to tie what they see as immorality with democracy. And those people seriously think that democracy brings all they consider immoral.

As I used word disturbing for few million times already, I won’t use it anymore, but you got general idea.

I just want people to think. We don’t have democracy, but we already have all immorality in the world and even more. So, “democracy=immorality” is just an advertisement that is used by some officials/close to government circles to show that by preventing democracy they are defending our pure society.

Our society is NOT pure. It’s more immoral than any European. I won’t even start telling what I consider moral and immoral. Just one thing- morality has at least 2 levels(more than that, but I don’t want to complicate)- personal morality and morality of society. Morality of a person is PERSONAL. We should spend our time and energy trying to make our society PURE and CLEAN!

Hope 2.0

Well, we all witnessed what happened today. Adnan’s  and Emin’s court hearing was postponed once again after just a mere hour of hearing. One of the witnesses was missing, so judge decided that one hour of work is enough for his conscience to continue its state of sleep for another week and told tired audience of this spectacle that next hearing will be held on November 6, 2009(2009!). Seriously, case of hooliganism that is already under investigation for almost 4 months? Should we consider contacting Guinness World Records anytime soon? Or should government do that and enter annals of history under the title “most absurdity in such a little space”? Don’t think that Guinness will reject government, especially since they are paying millions to lobby groups in USA.

The fact that I was so hopeful today made me slightly angry with myself and very angry with the world around. I am hopeful every time and I will be hopeful every time. And now I know the reason of that. And it makes everything easier. Will write in the end of the post (hey, I have the right to try some of that post-modern stuff, no? ).

Due to already obvious topographic cretinism I was late for the hearing and wasn’t able to enter the building. There was information from inside that one of the police officers said that only one to write complain was so called “victim”. That is worrying information, since it looks like government is still eager to enforce its version of Adnan and Emin beating taekwondo/karate/judo/wrestling/whatever masters. Makes me proud of Adnan and Emin. Not fighting for entire life and then beating pros? Who can pull that?

There was a tension after the hearing when we were getting ready to give traditional round of applauses and “FREEDOM! ADNAN! EMIN!” chants. Police tried to push us as far away from convoy car as it’s possible. But we used best methods of non-violent action and stayed pretty close. How could we not try to tell Emin that his facebook profile is active again? Still police tried to arrest one of our guys. I will never forget how his GF jumped right in front of him. I am proud to know her and I’m proud that she considers me to be her friend. Police had no chance whatsoever ).

We still chanted. And at that very moment I understood what makes me hopeful and optimist every time. E&A’s smile, the way they handle themselves. Dignity, positivity, courage. Love and happiness in their eyes every time they see us. The fact that they still cheer us even being behind convoy car’s bars. That makes me hopeful. That gives me strength. And I hope that our tries to cheer them up are working, that they know how much we love them and miss them. Of course, I hope that Adnan didn’t forget about 2 beers that he still owes me

Everything is gonna be alright. Because there is no other way.